We've made it through Thanksgiving, Alecia's birthday and Brian's birthday, and Christmas. We still have New Year's and my birthday to go. I realized the last few weeks have been the usual December whirlwind. My work is insane this time of year so it makes life tough to juggle everything. In addition, there is always just tons of stuff going on.
I realized that I haven't been on Facebook in awhile which isn't necessarily a bad thing except that I read lots of positive, affirmative, inspirational things from the pages I subscribe to and they really help keep me going. When I haven't done that for awhile, I find that I start struggling myself. It was nice to see the grown kids for the holidays and my grandchildren. It always makes me wonder where the time has gone. Trying to keep up with busy schedules when there are lots of different people that you need to share a limited amount of time with can be somewhat overwhelming.
I finally got my abdominal wound healed just before the kids arrived in town mid December so I'm finished with my weekly trips to the wound clinic. My body is still adjusting to my new digestive system and hope to soon resume a decent diet. I've lost 25 lbs this year after all of my surgeries and healing which is a ray of sunshine in the midst of craziness.
We had to put our other dog to sleep just before Christmas which was pretty tough. He was another rescue that we'd gotten when we had to tell Roody goodbye last February. He kept having chronic ear infections and some really bad aggressive tendencies. In all of our years of having dogs, neither Brian nor I had experienced a dog that would attack and bite us but then be loving other times. It was truly like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You never really knew what he was going to do which meant that it was impossible to have him around anyone else. I'm proud of Brian for making that tough decision, because it was a tough one to make. Luckily, with the guidance of our vet, he explained that it was the most humane thing to do. There is a part of both Brian and I that can't help but feel as though we failed.
We did decide to get another basset because we really like the breed. We ended up choosing a female puppy. We usually prefer rescue dogs but I didn't find any locally but did find someone with puppies (I'd spoke to him last February before we settled on Baron). So we've added Gabriel to our family. She is absolutely adorable. She is a lot of work though. It's like having a toddler around. She loves to cuddle which is something we missed after Roody was gone because Baron wasn't much of a cuddle type of dog.
All of our big kids have left Kansas City and returned to their homes in Chicago and Seattle. I had the chance to take Lacey and Nate to Kaleidoscope (at Hallmark in Crown Center) while they were in town and that was a lot of fun. My mother-in-law and father-in-law will be leaving to go back to Florida tomorrow.
I took Catie to the back specialist on Friday for a follow up. The news was bittersweet. Bad news is that her L5 Pars fracture is about as healed as it will get and there is no evidence of a slipped disc. Good news is - her pain is much better than it was previously and really seemed to worsen as the weather got colder. We don't have to return until next December unless there are problems.
Santa brought me a new camera which I'm so excited to use. I had a chance to use it a bit while all of our guests were in town and I look forward to using it for some 'fun' things. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve and I am looking forward to ringing in 2013 with lots of positive things!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
Parenting
I often say that parenting doesn't come with a manual. When you leave the hospital, they make sure your car seat is legal and the newborn is properly strapped in but no one hands you a thick instruction manual explaining what is ahead of you.
Your newborn is totally dependent upon you. They sleep most of the time and the rest is spent eating, crying, or peeing & pooping. They grow quickly and change rapidly, eagerly learning about the world around them. Before you know it they are a toddler.
When they reach the toddler years they are really in education overdrive. Everything is a new experience. Whatever they touch goes into their mouth and they experience impulsive behavior and lots of temper tantrums. Personally, I really enjoyed the ages of 18 months to 2+ years but most call them the terrible twos. You have to be energetic to keep up with them at this age. Before long, they are learning about autonomy and their sense of self. They want to assert their independence and every small task can be battle of wills. As a parent, you have to quickly learn to pick your battles.
Next comes preschool and kindergarten where they are introduced to social situations and other children that differ from them. As they grow, they learn to read and do math. They will ask lots of questions and sometimes they are tough ones. Sometimes you don't know the answer (this is really when that manual could come in handy) and have to think strategically before you reply.
Your child grows and their personality continues to develop. You begin to see the characteristics of their personality emerge. Before you know it you're knee deep in birthday parties, sleep overs, sports, scouting, friends, social activities, and the list goes on. You learn to be a mediator and learn to navigate how to teach your child about the world. They are transforming before your very eyes.
One day you wake up and realize your child is becoming a teenager (usually referred to as a tween) and depending on the world around them and the generation, this takes on a different meaning. From my experience, this typically comes quicker with girls than it does with boys. One day your having a tea party with her or playing barbie dolls and the next day she's worried about clothes, makeup and her hair. For boys, the transition is typically a little slower and their body starts to change (puberty) before they realize what is going on. Then comes the struggle of teaching them about personal hygiene and discussions that you've always dreaded about the birds and the bees. This will undoubtedly bring more questions that you're not sure how to answer and wish you had that manual.
Before long, you find yourself in the drama of middle school and then high school. That baby that you brought home from the hospital without a manual is transforming into an adult and you pray that you've done all of the right things. Your teen learns to drive (another scary adventure), starts dating, contends with social pressures and you are now responsible to offer guidance and hope that you've laid a good foundation. There will be lots of long discussions and you'll realize your child is now an individual with their own thoughts, ideas, etc. and they are test-driving them on you! This stage can be a balancing act. In a span of 5 minutes that teen can hate you and then love and need you. Buckle up because it is going to be a wild ride. You'll help them make decisions about their future (college, etc.) and hopefully watch them graduate from high school.
Now your child is an adult. Parenting an adult child is different than parenting a newborn, baby, toddler, adolescent, tween, or teenager. They are now responsible for themselves and their own decisions. Hopefully by this time you've paved the road to a good relationship, one where they can call you in times of need or when they want someone to listen. Sometimes it is a late night phone call for guidance or advice that you'll receive but whatever it is, you'll discover the evolution your relationship has taken.
Your newborn is totally dependent upon you. They sleep most of the time and the rest is spent eating, crying, or peeing & pooping. They grow quickly and change rapidly, eagerly learning about the world around them. Before you know it they are a toddler.
When they reach the toddler years they are really in education overdrive. Everything is a new experience. Whatever they touch goes into their mouth and they experience impulsive behavior and lots of temper tantrums. Personally, I really enjoyed the ages of 18 months to 2+ years but most call them the terrible twos. You have to be energetic to keep up with them at this age. Before long, they are learning about autonomy and their sense of self. They want to assert their independence and every small task can be battle of wills. As a parent, you have to quickly learn to pick your battles.
Next comes preschool and kindergarten where they are introduced to social situations and other children that differ from them. As they grow, they learn to read and do math. They will ask lots of questions and sometimes they are tough ones. Sometimes you don't know the answer (this is really when that manual could come in handy) and have to think strategically before you reply.
Your child grows and their personality continues to develop. You begin to see the characteristics of their personality emerge. Before you know it you're knee deep in birthday parties, sleep overs, sports, scouting, friends, social activities, and the list goes on. You learn to be a mediator and learn to navigate how to teach your child about the world. They are transforming before your very eyes.
One day you wake up and realize your child is becoming a teenager (usually referred to as a tween) and depending on the world around them and the generation, this takes on a different meaning. From my experience, this typically comes quicker with girls than it does with boys. One day your having a tea party with her or playing barbie dolls and the next day she's worried about clothes, makeup and her hair. For boys, the transition is typically a little slower and their body starts to change (puberty) before they realize what is going on. Then comes the struggle of teaching them about personal hygiene and discussions that you've always dreaded about the birds and the bees. This will undoubtedly bring more questions that you're not sure how to answer and wish you had that manual.
Before long, you find yourself in the drama of middle school and then high school. That baby that you brought home from the hospital without a manual is transforming into an adult and you pray that you've done all of the right things. Your teen learns to drive (another scary adventure), starts dating, contends with social pressures and you are now responsible to offer guidance and hope that you've laid a good foundation. There will be lots of long discussions and you'll realize your child is now an individual with their own thoughts, ideas, etc. and they are test-driving them on you! This stage can be a balancing act. In a span of 5 minutes that teen can hate you and then love and need you. Buckle up because it is going to be a wild ride. You'll help them make decisions about their future (college, etc.) and hopefully watch them graduate from high school.
Now your child is an adult. Parenting an adult child is different than parenting a newborn, baby, toddler, adolescent, tween, or teenager. They are now responsible for themselves and their own decisions. Hopefully by this time you've paved the road to a good relationship, one where they can call you in times of need or when they want someone to listen. Sometimes it is a late night phone call for guidance or advice that you'll receive but whatever it is, you'll discover the evolution your relationship has taken.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
The 30 Days of Thanksgiving
On Facebook several of the posts are for something that many are participating in called the 30 Days of Thanksgiving. I was a little late to get started but plan to keep a complete list of mine. I think it is a great idea and definitely a positive daily affirmation that will improve one's optimistic vantage point in life.
November 1, 2012 - Day 1: I'm thankful my surgery went well.
November 2, 2012 - Day 2: I'm thankful that all of my friends and loved ones on the NE coast are safe from Hurricane Sandy.
November 3, 2012 - Day 3: I'm thankful for my husband's assistance with my surgical wound.
November 4, 2012 - Day 4: I'm thankful that I enjoy the beauty of the Autumn leaves.
November 5, 2012 - Day 5: I'm thankful for my doggies.
November 6, 2012 - Day 6: I'm thankful I was born in America and I can exercise my right to vote!
November 7, 2012 - Day 7: I'm thankful the election is finally OVER!
November 8, 2012 - Day 8: I'm thankful for my new brother-in-law, Jamie Rasberry.
November 9, 2012 - Day 9: I'm eternally grateful to everyone that helped save my life and get home safely from New York City on Tuesday, September 11, 2001. There is no greater love than what I experienced at that time from friends, family and strangers. That love outweighs anything the terrorists were trying to accomplish!
November 10, 2012 - Day 10: I'm thankful for the hidden opportunities that God gives me to help others. They are usually problems in disguise and I'm glad that I have the opportunity to help out when someone is going through them.
November 11, 2012 - Day 11: I'm thankful for all of the brave men and women that fight (and have fought) for my freedom. I'm thankful for their friends and family and the support that it requires from them as well. Happy Veteran's Day!
November 12, 2012 - Day 12: I'm thankful that God blessed me with the opportunity to be a mother & parent. I have 4 wonderful children (Casey, Kevan, Alecia, and Catie) and I'm grateful God trusted me to be a part of their lives.
November 13, 2012 - Day 13: I'm thankful for all of my friends but today I'm especially thankful for our friend Carl. He's been such a great friend to my husband for many years (and partner in crime as he says). At his mother's visitation last night, he stood so stoic (as usual) next to her casket greeting visitors (friends & family). He had lovingly cared for her until she left this earth. At the funeral home, my daughter said, "He's a really good actor. I could never do that. I can see in his face that he wants to cry." My husband replied to her, "Carl has always had the ability to rise to the occasion no matter what it is. That is just who he is."
Carl ~ you are a great friend, one with deep rooted family values, good morals and ethics. You are a wonderful role model to younger generations. I know you don't use FB or social media so you'll never see this (nor would you want to hear it) but thank you for being YOU!
November 14, 2012 - Day 14: I'm thankful for simplicity today! After spending hours dealing with complex things, I'm thankful for the simple things in life!
November 15, 2012 - Day 15: I'm thankful for my husband's gift to summarize confusing topics (historical issues, politics, etc.) for me.
November 16, 2012 - Day 16: I'm thankful for my creative and artistic abilities. My creative side has always been an escape for me, my vice in life. It is a way for me to decompress, relax, express myself, share my thoughts and views, and share something special with others. From photography to drawing & painting, from sewing & crafting to needlework - I am thankful for my ability to have something inside of me that I can immediately call upon to provide me with calmness, solace and peace when needed.
November 17, 2012 - Day 17: I'm thankful that I went on that first date with my husband 12 years ago!
November 18, 2012 - Day 18: I'm thankful that my wound appears to finally be on the mends!
November 19, 2012 - Day 19: I'm thankful for laughter and a sense of humor. There are days when it is the best medicine in the world for me.
November 20, 2012 - Day 20: I'm thankful that Catie finally got her braces off! All the trips to the orthodontist & pain has paid off for a beautiful smile. 33 months well spent.
November 21, 2012 - Day 21: I'm thankful that I've been able to return to work this week [and survive] so my fellow co-workers (mgmt) will be able to take an additional day off (Black Friday) so they can spend time with their friends & families! They have been super about helping me out and I'm so thankful that I can be there to cover for them by returning the favor & expressing my gratitude for their support.
November 22, 2012 - Day 22: (Thanksgiving Day) I'm thankful for all of the LOVE in my life! Last night I talked with Catie about some that are not as fortunate to have the love that we have (from friends, family & even strangers) and I'm very grateful that we have lots of it! Happy Thanksgiving to each of you. I hope that you get to wrap yourself in love, happiness and good feelings today!
November 23, 2012 - Day 23: I'm thankful that it is the last day of a short work week!
November 24, 2012 - Day 24: I'm thankful for family (all forms of it)!
November 1, 2012 - Day 1: I'm thankful my surgery went well.
November 2, 2012 - Day 2: I'm thankful that all of my friends and loved ones on the NE coast are safe from Hurricane Sandy.
November 3, 2012 - Day 3: I'm thankful for my husband's assistance with my surgical wound.
November 4, 2012 - Day 4: I'm thankful that I enjoy the beauty of the Autumn leaves.
November 5, 2012 - Day 5: I'm thankful for my doggies.
November 6, 2012 - Day 6: I'm thankful I was born in America and I can exercise my right to vote!
November 7, 2012 - Day 7: I'm thankful the election is finally OVER!
November 8, 2012 - Day 8: I'm thankful for my new brother-in-law, Jamie Rasberry.
November 9, 2012 - Day 9: I'm eternally grateful to everyone that helped save my life and get home safely from New York City on Tuesday, September 11, 2001. There is no greater love than what I experienced at that time from friends, family and strangers. That love outweighs anything the terrorists were trying to accomplish!
November 10, 2012 - Day 10: I'm thankful for the hidden opportunities that God gives me to help others. They are usually problems in disguise and I'm glad that I have the opportunity to help out when someone is going through them.
November 11, 2012 - Day 11: I'm thankful for all of the brave men and women that fight (and have fought) for my freedom. I'm thankful for their friends and family and the support that it requires from them as well. Happy Veteran's Day!
November 12, 2012 - Day 12: I'm thankful that God blessed me with the opportunity to be a mother & parent. I have 4 wonderful children (Casey, Kevan, Alecia, and Catie) and I'm grateful God trusted me to be a part of their lives.
November 13, 2012 - Day 13: I'm thankful for all of my friends but today I'm especially thankful for our friend Carl. He's been such a great friend to my husband for many years (and partner in crime as he says). At his mother's visitation last night, he stood so stoic (as usual) next to her casket greeting visitors (friends & family). He had lovingly cared for her until she left this earth. At the funeral home, my daughter said, "He's a really good actor. I could never do that. I can see in his face that he wants to cry." My husband replied to her, "Carl has always had the ability to rise to the occasion no matter what it is. That is just who he is."
Carl ~ you are a great friend, one with deep rooted family values, good morals and ethics. You are a wonderful role model to younger generations. I know you don't use FB or social media so you'll never see this (nor would you want to hear it) but thank you for being YOU!
November 14, 2012 - Day 14: I'm thankful for simplicity today! After spending hours dealing with complex things, I'm thankful for the simple things in life!
November 15, 2012 - Day 15: I'm thankful for my husband's gift to summarize confusing topics (historical issues, politics, etc.) for me.
November 16, 2012 - Day 16: I'm thankful for my creative and artistic abilities. My creative side has always been an escape for me, my vice in life. It is a way for me to decompress, relax, express myself, share my thoughts and views, and share something special with others. From photography to drawing & painting, from sewing & crafting to needlework - I am thankful for my ability to have something inside of me that I can immediately call upon to provide me with calmness, solace and peace when needed.
November 17, 2012 - Day 17: I'm thankful that I went on that first date with my husband 12 years ago!
November 18, 2012 - Day 18: I'm thankful that my wound appears to finally be on the mends!
November 19, 2012 - Day 19: I'm thankful for laughter and a sense of humor. There are days when it is the best medicine in the world for me.
November 20, 2012 - Day 20: I'm thankful that Catie finally got her braces off! All the trips to the orthodontist & pain has paid off for a beautiful smile. 33 months well spent.
November 21, 2012 - Day 21: I'm thankful that I've been able to return to work this week [and survive] so my fellow co-workers (mgmt) will be able to take an additional day off (Black Friday) so they can spend time with their friends & families! They have been super about helping me out and I'm so thankful that I can be there to cover for them by returning the favor & expressing my gratitude for their support.
November 22, 2012 - Day 22: (Thanksgiving Day) I'm thankful for all of the LOVE in my life! Last night I talked with Catie about some that are not as fortunate to have the love that we have (from friends, family & even strangers) and I'm very grateful that we have lots of it! Happy Thanksgiving to each of you. I hope that you get to wrap yourself in love, happiness and good feelings today!
November 23, 2012 - Day 23: I'm thankful that it is the last day of a short work week!
November 24, 2012 - Day 24: I'm thankful for family (all forms of it)!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
My Faith Is Strongest When I Am Weakest
I recently calculated that the countdown until my 40th birthday. As of today, there are 82 days. I was thinking about the drastic physical issues I've dealt with in the last 6 months and hoping that after 2 major abdominal surgeries I will physically be feeling better than I have in years by the time I reach this milestone.
Recently, while I was contemplating my latest surgery, I recalled one of my favorite bible passages. I remember hearing the sermon from Pastor Jerls in 1994 in which he discussed this passage.
I recently wondered if it is any type of coincidence that this passage contains verses 9-11? Of course, it isn't the biblical passage I called upon during my time of weakness on September 11, 2001 (Psalm 23:4 was the one I quietly recited to myself that day) but I can't help but wonder about the irony.
It is true, in the times of my greatest weaknesses, it is at those times that my faith is always the strongest.
Recently, while I was contemplating my latest surgery, I recalled one of my favorite bible passages. I remember hearing the sermon from Pastor Jerls in 1994 in which he discussed this passage.
2 Corinthians 12:9-11
King James Version (KJV)
9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
11 I am become a fool in glorying; ye have compelled me: for I ought to have been commended of you: for in nothing am I behind the very chiefest apostles, though I be nothing.
It is true, in the times of my greatest weaknesses, it is at those times that my faith is always the strongest.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
The 11th Anniversary
I was just too emotionally drained yesterday to post anything. Each anniversary is different but every year I usually wish we could just skip September 10-12. Those 3 days are just exhausting emotionally. It seems that every year brings something a little different and I think because the events of September 11, 2001 were on such a grand scale it always rocks me to my very core. I feel pain to the depths of my soul that is almost indescribable.
While I know I shouldn't be, I'm amazed at the diverse responses you get from people. One will say, "you should be over it by now," while another one wants to tell you exactly what they were doing when they heard about September 11. Usually I am very gracious and patient but occasionally (with my inside voice) I snap and think, "if you only knew." I guess it is because I'm only human but anyone that knows me well knows that I don't like to show my moments of weakness. It is hard enough to have them but then to have them publicly takes it to a whole different level.
I have discovered (since I'm not fond of surprises) I can usually brace myself and be somewhat prepared for what lies ahead of me. It is the 10 pm call from a news reporter on Mother's Day asking your reaction to the capture and death of Osama Bin Laden that throws me off. With the anniversaries, I know they are coming, I know there is no avoiding it so I've learned how to get through them. However, those other 'little surprises' really throw me a curve ball. I think in some way those surprises are reminiscent of that day. Every step and every turn held a new surprise, one that was literally a matter of life and death. In some ways it was like being plucked up and dropped into the set of some crazy movie or dream, only with no script or rehearsal - absolutely surreal.
Yesterday, my husband left for a doctor appointment before I did. We kissed each other good bye and he said, "I'm really glad you didn't sit down" as he walked out the door. Last night I told him that I was glad I didn't sit down as well but I had desperately wanted to. I'm glad I didn't strike Rodin's "The Thinker" pose until much later in the morning because I wouldn't be typing this if I'd succumbed to the strong desire to stop and think.
I look back at what a naive young woman I was. For me, the thought of a terrorist was something from Back To The Future (one of my favorite movies) and most certainly not anything I had to consider or think about. I think it is much of the naivety that helped keep me safe that day. If I'd known that I would spend an hour standing in line to die, unable to breath, I would probably not have headed into the stairwell. If I'd known people were jumping to their death and I would have to dodge the falling bodies while walking through blood and human remains, I wouldn't have gone into the courtyard. Of course, instead I'd been in the building when it collapsed. If I'd known there was even a remote chance that either of the buildings would collapse, I wouldn't have lingered to take a photo. If I'd known the chards of glass be falling like the blades of a guillotine, I wouldn't have gone through the glass doors into the mall. If I'd known the port authority officer (or whoever she was) at the door into the courtyard was yelling at me for my own safety, I wouldn't have been angry with her. What I do know is that if I had known most of those things, I am certain I would have made other deadly choices.
I am comforted to know that on some physiological level, I can rely on myself to make good decisions when in a moment of crisis. It seemed like every time I exited one situation I found myself in another unbelievable one. As I came out of the stairwell into the lobby, it looked like a bomb had exploded and I had to wade through water to exit. I saw what I thought was someone burning in the elevator and thought about how I wish I could help them but was certain that if something could have been done the firefighters would have already taken care of it.
I'm glad I didn't turn right and head to my hotel even though I'd spent an hour thinking about going to my room as soon as I got out of the building. I'm glad that while I had no idea where I was or where I was going they shooed me away from the building (regardless of how frustrated it made me at the time). I'm glad that when I turned around after snapping a photo and saw the huge chunks of steel pummeling toward me that my brain immediately said, "get down and the street isn't good enough." I'm glad that there was a subway entrance just a few feet in front of me. I'm glad that I lingered in the subway long enough for my tower to collapse, unbeknownst to me. I'm glad the vendor in the subway wouldn't let me use his phone to call home and the pay phone wouldn't work. I'm glad that God shielded me from the knowledge of what was really happening until I was in a place where I could process it (at the shelter). Most of all, I'm glad that my cell phone didn't work that day because I was ready and prepared to die except that I hadn't said goodbye to my daughter and family. In retrospect, I'm glad that I was the young 28 year old naive woman - it helped save my life.
I'm glad that one of my closest childhood friends opened his home to me and provided me with some sense of normalcy and security on the evening of September 11, 2001. Little did I know that while I was naive in my thinking, he was wise in his. When he told me goodbye at the train station 11 years ago today, he quoted Andy Warhol and said maybe this was my 15 minutes of fame. I was so overwhelmed and in shock that I hadn't a clue what he meant at the time. Both of us were artists, close friends and had shared lots of high school memories together. I didn't understand how such a horrific experience could possibly be something I would gain fame from. I didn't really want fame in the first place but if I had to have fame I wanted it to be from my artwork. Looking back, I understand what he meant but it has taken 11 years to come to terms with it. I guess Andy Warhol didn't say that your 15 minutes of fame would be for something you wanted it to be for - that wasn't part of the deal.
How did someone that hates politics because of the divisive nature it brings, someone that likes cultural diversity and religious freedom, someone that aches from the destruction of humanity and evil end up in the middle of this mess? I will never know the answers to all of my whys and what ifs but I know that God knows. I'm sure I'll spend many more years pondering them but I can take solace in the fact that it really doesn't matter because God knows and in the end, that is really what matters. I hope that when I stand before him on judgement day he tells me, "I know I didn't give you a road map but job well done."
While I know I shouldn't be, I'm amazed at the diverse responses you get from people. One will say, "you should be over it by now," while another one wants to tell you exactly what they were doing when they heard about September 11. Usually I am very gracious and patient but occasionally (with my inside voice) I snap and think, "if you only knew." I guess it is because I'm only human but anyone that knows me well knows that I don't like to show my moments of weakness. It is hard enough to have them but then to have them publicly takes it to a whole different level.
I have discovered (since I'm not fond of surprises) I can usually brace myself and be somewhat prepared for what lies ahead of me. It is the 10 pm call from a news reporter on Mother's Day asking your reaction to the capture and death of Osama Bin Laden that throws me off. With the anniversaries, I know they are coming, I know there is no avoiding it so I've learned how to get through them. However, those other 'little surprises' really throw me a curve ball. I think in some way those surprises are reminiscent of that day. Every step and every turn held a new surprise, one that was literally a matter of life and death. In some ways it was like being plucked up and dropped into the set of some crazy movie or dream, only with no script or rehearsal - absolutely surreal.
Yesterday, my husband left for a doctor appointment before I did. We kissed each other good bye and he said, "I'm really glad you didn't sit down" as he walked out the door. Last night I told him that I was glad I didn't sit down as well but I had desperately wanted to. I'm glad I didn't strike Rodin's "The Thinker" pose until much later in the morning because I wouldn't be typing this if I'd succumbed to the strong desire to stop and think.
I look back at what a naive young woman I was. For me, the thought of a terrorist was something from Back To The Future (one of my favorite movies) and most certainly not anything I had to consider or think about. I think it is much of the naivety that helped keep me safe that day. If I'd known that I would spend an hour standing in line to die, unable to breath, I would probably not have headed into the stairwell. If I'd known people were jumping to their death and I would have to dodge the falling bodies while walking through blood and human remains, I wouldn't have gone into the courtyard. Of course, instead I'd been in the building when it collapsed. If I'd known there was even a remote chance that either of the buildings would collapse, I wouldn't have lingered to take a photo. If I'd known the chards of glass be falling like the blades of a guillotine, I wouldn't have gone through the glass doors into the mall. If I'd known the port authority officer (or whoever she was) at the door into the courtyard was yelling at me for my own safety, I wouldn't have been angry with her. What I do know is that if I had known most of those things, I am certain I would have made other deadly choices.
I am comforted to know that on some physiological level, I can rely on myself to make good decisions when in a moment of crisis. It seemed like every time I exited one situation I found myself in another unbelievable one. As I came out of the stairwell into the lobby, it looked like a bomb had exploded and I had to wade through water to exit. I saw what I thought was someone burning in the elevator and thought about how I wish I could help them but was certain that if something could have been done the firefighters would have already taken care of it.
I'm glad I didn't turn right and head to my hotel even though I'd spent an hour thinking about going to my room as soon as I got out of the building. I'm glad that while I had no idea where I was or where I was going they shooed me away from the building (regardless of how frustrated it made me at the time). I'm glad that when I turned around after snapping a photo and saw the huge chunks of steel pummeling toward me that my brain immediately said, "get down and the street isn't good enough." I'm glad that there was a subway entrance just a few feet in front of me. I'm glad that I lingered in the subway long enough for my tower to collapse, unbeknownst to me. I'm glad the vendor in the subway wouldn't let me use his phone to call home and the pay phone wouldn't work. I'm glad that God shielded me from the knowledge of what was really happening until I was in a place where I could process it (at the shelter). Most of all, I'm glad that my cell phone didn't work that day because I was ready and prepared to die except that I hadn't said goodbye to my daughter and family. In retrospect, I'm glad that I was the young 28 year old naive woman - it helped save my life.
I'm glad that one of my closest childhood friends opened his home to me and provided me with some sense of normalcy and security on the evening of September 11, 2001. Little did I know that while I was naive in my thinking, he was wise in his. When he told me goodbye at the train station 11 years ago today, he quoted Andy Warhol and said maybe this was my 15 minutes of fame. I was so overwhelmed and in shock that I hadn't a clue what he meant at the time. Both of us were artists, close friends and had shared lots of high school memories together. I didn't understand how such a horrific experience could possibly be something I would gain fame from. I didn't really want fame in the first place but if I had to have fame I wanted it to be from my artwork. Looking back, I understand what he meant but it has taken 11 years to come to terms with it. I guess Andy Warhol didn't say that your 15 minutes of fame would be for something you wanted it to be for - that wasn't part of the deal.
How did someone that hates politics because of the divisive nature it brings, someone that likes cultural diversity and religious freedom, someone that aches from the destruction of humanity and evil end up in the middle of this mess? I will never know the answers to all of my whys and what ifs but I know that God knows. I'm sure I'll spend many more years pondering them but I can take solace in the fact that it really doesn't matter because God knows and in the end, that is really what matters. I hope that when I stand before him on judgement day he tells me, "I know I didn't give you a road map but job well done."
Monday, September 10, 2012
Heavy Hearted
I've felt really heavy hearted all day today. It started when I awoke early and couldn't go back to sleep. When I left for work, I kissed my husband and told him goodbye. A few minutes later, I called him to tell him how much I loved him as I'd remembered telling him goodbye 11 years ago as he left for Columbus, Ohio and I left for New York City.
11 years ago Catie was going to preschool and this morning she was going to high school. How blessed I am to have had those 11 years. On this evening in 2001 I remember rushing around the Marriott World Trade Center trying to find a fax machine so I could help my staff back in Overland Park, Ks with the urgent shipment they were working on. Even technology has changed drastically since then. Once the fax was taken care of, I stopped by Times Square Gifts and bought a beautiful pink satin tie as a gift and a miniature Statue of Liberty.
Hungry, I finally settled on going into Tall Ships Bar & Grill. I always hated traveling and eating alone. Usually I just ordered room service. I remember pondering the menu as it was quite different than a midwest bar and grill. Eventually, I settled on a portobello mushroom sandwich (I think it was the NYC version of our hamburger) with tomato on it. Honestly, I just picked at it. Because of the vicinity there were lots of things that were reminiscent of the NYSE and executives all around. I'm sure this midwestern gal looked out of place in her Levi's and Kansas City Chief's jersey. Earlier in the afternoon (on the plane) the stewardess had accidentally dumped an entire can of Coca-Cola on me but it had long since dried.
The shuttle from the airport into downtown Manhattan was nerve wracking, there were some women headed to one of the cruise ships and they were giddy about their soon to be excursion. The traffic was typical of NYC and absolutely insane. I think it took about 2 hours to finally get to the hotel. By the time my evening was finished I was exhausted. I made my way to my room which looked out into the courtyard of the World Trade Center - it was a beautiful view at night. I called home and spoke to my Mom, Catie and also called Brian (he'd made it to Columbus). I finally crawled into bed and drifted off to sleep.
On the morning of September 11, 2001, I awoke, got dressed for the seminar and left for WTC 1. I arrived early and checked in at security. They provided me with my security badge and I swiped it at the turn style so I could get on the express elevators. I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, I'm so glad they have such good security after the 1993 bombing." Never in a million years would I have suspected they would choose commercial aircraft as their weapon of choice (and no amount of security could guard against that). That small plastic card was not going to protect me on this day.
11 years later, I can't believe some of the details I can recall like they happened yesterday. Yet other things were blocked for some time (and I'm sure there are some things that my brain says are just too much to remember). The brain is an amazing part of our body. In the years that have followed many times I've wondered to myself why things happened the way they did. I've always been a firm believer that things happen for a reason but sometimes figuring out the reason is practically impossible. I'm a very logical person and have succumbed to the fact that there will be times when I just have to use my faith and know that while I might not understand the reason, there really is one.
11 years ago Catie was going to preschool and this morning she was going to high school. How blessed I am to have had those 11 years. On this evening in 2001 I remember rushing around the Marriott World Trade Center trying to find a fax machine so I could help my staff back in Overland Park, Ks with the urgent shipment they were working on. Even technology has changed drastically since then. Once the fax was taken care of, I stopped by Times Square Gifts and bought a beautiful pink satin tie as a gift and a miniature Statue of Liberty.
Hungry, I finally settled on going into Tall Ships Bar & Grill. I always hated traveling and eating alone. Usually I just ordered room service. I remember pondering the menu as it was quite different than a midwest bar and grill. Eventually, I settled on a portobello mushroom sandwich (I think it was the NYC version of our hamburger) with tomato on it. Honestly, I just picked at it. Because of the vicinity there were lots of things that were reminiscent of the NYSE and executives all around. I'm sure this midwestern gal looked out of place in her Levi's and Kansas City Chief's jersey. Earlier in the afternoon (on the plane) the stewardess had accidentally dumped an entire can of Coca-Cola on me but it had long since dried.
The shuttle from the airport into downtown Manhattan was nerve wracking, there were some women headed to one of the cruise ships and they were giddy about their soon to be excursion. The traffic was typical of NYC and absolutely insane. I think it took about 2 hours to finally get to the hotel. By the time my evening was finished I was exhausted. I made my way to my room which looked out into the courtyard of the World Trade Center - it was a beautiful view at night. I called home and spoke to my Mom, Catie and also called Brian (he'd made it to Columbus). I finally crawled into bed and drifted off to sleep.
On the morning of September 11, 2001, I awoke, got dressed for the seminar and left for WTC 1. I arrived early and checked in at security. They provided me with my security badge and I swiped it at the turn style so I could get on the express elevators. I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, I'm so glad they have such good security after the 1993 bombing." Never in a million years would I have suspected they would choose commercial aircraft as their weapon of choice (and no amount of security could guard against that). That small plastic card was not going to protect me on this day.
11 years later, I can't believe some of the details I can recall like they happened yesterday. Yet other things were blocked for some time (and I'm sure there are some things that my brain says are just too much to remember). The brain is an amazing part of our body. In the years that have followed many times I've wondered to myself why things happened the way they did. I've always been a firm believer that things happen for a reason but sometimes figuring out the reason is practically impossible. I'm a very logical person and have succumbed to the fact that there will be times when I just have to use my faith and know that while I might not understand the reason, there really is one.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Back to high school
It has been almost 21 years since I graduated from high school and around 7 since I attended the freshman enrollment with Alecia. Last night I went with Catie and her friend Syrus to Open House at high school and sat through the freshman orientation - I think it has been about 25 years since I had to do that! I am glad that I wore my sneakers because I was exhausted after 2 hours of walking around the campus.
Catie is nervous but I'm confident she will do just fine. I can't believe how things have changed in that time span. Pagers were popular when I was in high school. I bet they wouldn't even know what a pager was because now they have cell phones and many of them have smart phones. Later they will each get a laptop assigned to them. I learned to type on an old fashioned typewriter in typing class. Again, I suspect that neither of them would have any idea what one was if you showed it to them.
Today is her first day as a freshman in the class of 2016! Where did the time go?
Catie is nervous but I'm confident she will do just fine. I can't believe how things have changed in that time span. Pagers were popular when I was in high school. I bet they wouldn't even know what a pager was because now they have cell phones and many of them have smart phones. Later they will each get a laptop assigned to them. I learned to type on an old fashioned typewriter in typing class. Again, I suspect that neither of them would have any idea what one was if you showed it to them.
Today is her first day as a freshman in the class of 2016! Where did the time go?
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Another year and another post later...
It is that time of year again, when the bustle and hurried ways begin. As I was driving home from dropping Catie off at her Dad's it dawned on me that summer was coming to a close and it is the time of year for the chaos to start. As emotions swirled around and tears rolled down my cheeks, I thought that when I got home I'd do some 'blogging' (something I've planned to do over and over but just never get around to doing for various reasons). I just now logged in and realized that it has been just a little over a year since I last made an entry on here. I guess that goes to show that this time of year really impacts me.
As I drove I realized that it is August 19, 2012. My daughter just turned 15, she's getting ready to take the written test for her driver's (learner's) permit, starting high school and my granddaughter is starting kindergarten this year. Wow! Where does the time go?
The thoughts raced through my mind, it is nearly September 11, 2012 and while that is merely a date on a calendar for most people it has had such a profound impact on my life that it is difficult at times to articulate it. At times I've had that defiant, challenging, rebellious streak in me that says, "no, I'm not going to let this be such a defining moment in my life. I control me and my life and that isn't the way it is supposed to play out" but in the end, it comes back full circle to reality. What is that reality? Well, I guess I summarized it best when someone asked me to describe my experience on September 11, 2001 in 1 sentence (for a grade school class). My reply was, "On September 11, 2001, I got to experience the beauty and destruction of humanity while witnessing history all in the same day."
You spend your life wondering what it is like when you die, or at least I'd thought about it many times prior to September 11, 2001. When you are faced with it though, it is different. There is no more time to think about it and wonder because - BAM - it's in your face and you get to deal with it. It is about playing the hand that is dealt to you (because you never know what your cards are going to be) and playing it to the best of your ability.
I would have given anything on that September morning for my phone to work. I longed to call my Mom and asked to speak to my daughter (although she was only 4 at the time) to tell her I loved her one last time. God had different plans though. He wasn't going to let me make that phone call because though it's tough to admit at times, he knew better than I did. He knew that once I made the phone call, I would stop to rest and it would cost me precious seconds and my life.
I remember when I got back to Kansas City and returned to work a co-worker said to me, "God must really have some big plans for you." Still in a fog I didn't know what to think when she said it because I was horrified by what had occurred. Looking back 11 years, I believe she was correct.
In the last 11 years I have held my grandmother's head while she took her last breath, nearly lost my stepson (Casey) in a car accident and helped Catie make it through her father's brain tumor surgeries. I helped my sister plan my brother-in-law's unexpected funeral, watched my husband struggle with his own health issues and become disabled, changed the industry my career was in, and watched my step children (Kevan and Alecia) grow up and leave home. I've had the opportunity to hold my grandchildren (Nate and Lacey), locate and meet my 'other' half-sister after 30+ years, to experience the love of all of my nieces and nephews, and countless other things. Most of all, I've got to spend 11 more years with my family and friends on this earth.
On Friday, I found some old family photos from when Catie was much smaller and we looked through them. I didn't realize that it was upsetting her (or I wouldn't have done it of course) to see the photos because it brought up so many difficult memories. As she saw photos I'd taken of much happier times when her father was physically able to play with she and Casey the reality set in. Then when we got to photos of her with her brother and cousins (one of which died unexpectedly on Christmas) more sadness. As I drove home this evening I realized that God's big plans for me were to help Catelyn get through the last 11 years (and many more to come).
As I drug myself down the stairwell in September I knew that all of my other family and friends would be okay without me. While they would miss me I had a peace and calm in my heart and soul that everything would eventually be alright for them. But for Cate, she wouldn't have her Mom to help her grow up. I knew that she'd be taken care of but it was a different kind of concern and worry. I knew that she would have a hole in her heart that no one could fix. Having suffered from severe endometriosis, it was a miracle that she was even here. I had tried so hard to have a baby and was about to lose what I'd worked so hard to get. It was that determination and bond that forged me to continue on.
In the beginning it was really difficult for me to identify myself as a 9/11 Survivor. I really wanted to move on with my life and try to put it behind me. I wanted no part of being labeled a victim and have always chosen survivor. As time has passed though, I think I've learned how to embrace it and make the most of it, as difficult as it may be at times. I am not one to be in the spotlight, I don't like it and never have. I am at peace doing my work and blending it without having attention called to me. I've struggled many times with the attention (it was a tragedy on a horrific scale) which is something that I don't articulate well, often share nor is there a handbook to help me with this.
What I've found to work the best though is to make the negative, horrible experiences into positive ones where I learned something and to try to share that knowledge with others. I learned a lot that day. I didn't realize it at the time and it has taken over a decade to learn and for me to let it sink in but I did. I've learned that everyone remembers that day and where they were. I have learned that everyone wants to share it with me (this is something my husband has helped me to realize). With my personality, I want to shield them from the pain, anguish and devastation I felt (because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy) but I know their thirst for knowledge and my obligation to history and my community trumps it.
So while I usually would rather throw up than stand and speak to a group of strangers recanting the worst day of my life in detail (sometimes graphically when asked) I smile and seek spiritual guidance, courage, and inspiration to share my story. Over the years many people have thanked me and told me what an inspiration I was to them personally which lets me lay my head on the pillow at night and sleep well. While I still haven't found the answer to my own questions about why such evil exists in our world and how anyone can behave that way, I do feel like I'm contributing positively and know that in the end, goodness (the light) triumphs over evil (the darkness).
As I drove I realized that it is August 19, 2012. My daughter just turned 15, she's getting ready to take the written test for her driver's (learner's) permit, starting high school and my granddaughter is starting kindergarten this year. Wow! Where does the time go?
The thoughts raced through my mind, it is nearly September 11, 2012 and while that is merely a date on a calendar for most people it has had such a profound impact on my life that it is difficult at times to articulate it. At times I've had that defiant, challenging, rebellious streak in me that says, "no, I'm not going to let this be such a defining moment in my life. I control me and my life and that isn't the way it is supposed to play out" but in the end, it comes back full circle to reality. What is that reality? Well, I guess I summarized it best when someone asked me to describe my experience on September 11, 2001 in 1 sentence (for a grade school class). My reply was, "On September 11, 2001, I got to experience the beauty and destruction of humanity while witnessing history all in the same day."
You spend your life wondering what it is like when you die, or at least I'd thought about it many times prior to September 11, 2001. When you are faced with it though, it is different. There is no more time to think about it and wonder because - BAM - it's in your face and you get to deal with it. It is about playing the hand that is dealt to you (because you never know what your cards are going to be) and playing it to the best of your ability.
I would have given anything on that September morning for my phone to work. I longed to call my Mom and asked to speak to my daughter (although she was only 4 at the time) to tell her I loved her one last time. God had different plans though. He wasn't going to let me make that phone call because though it's tough to admit at times, he knew better than I did. He knew that once I made the phone call, I would stop to rest and it would cost me precious seconds and my life.
I remember when I got back to Kansas City and returned to work a co-worker said to me, "God must really have some big plans for you." Still in a fog I didn't know what to think when she said it because I was horrified by what had occurred. Looking back 11 years, I believe she was correct.
In the last 11 years I have held my grandmother's head while she took her last breath, nearly lost my stepson (Casey) in a car accident and helped Catie make it through her father's brain tumor surgeries. I helped my sister plan my brother-in-law's unexpected funeral, watched my husband struggle with his own health issues and become disabled, changed the industry my career was in, and watched my step children (Kevan and Alecia) grow up and leave home. I've had the opportunity to hold my grandchildren (Nate and Lacey), locate and meet my 'other' half-sister after 30+ years, to experience the love of all of my nieces and nephews, and countless other things. Most of all, I've got to spend 11 more years with my family and friends on this earth.
On Friday, I found some old family photos from when Catie was much smaller and we looked through them. I didn't realize that it was upsetting her (or I wouldn't have done it of course) to see the photos because it brought up so many difficult memories. As she saw photos I'd taken of much happier times when her father was physically able to play with she and Casey the reality set in. Then when we got to photos of her with her brother and cousins (one of which died unexpectedly on Christmas) more sadness. As I drove home this evening I realized that God's big plans for me were to help Catelyn get through the last 11 years (and many more to come).
As I drug myself down the stairwell in September I knew that all of my other family and friends would be okay without me. While they would miss me I had a peace and calm in my heart and soul that everything would eventually be alright for them. But for Cate, she wouldn't have her Mom to help her grow up. I knew that she'd be taken care of but it was a different kind of concern and worry. I knew that she would have a hole in her heart that no one could fix. Having suffered from severe endometriosis, it was a miracle that she was even here. I had tried so hard to have a baby and was about to lose what I'd worked so hard to get. It was that determination and bond that forged me to continue on.
In the beginning it was really difficult for me to identify myself as a 9/11 Survivor. I really wanted to move on with my life and try to put it behind me. I wanted no part of being labeled a victim and have always chosen survivor. As time has passed though, I think I've learned how to embrace it and make the most of it, as difficult as it may be at times. I am not one to be in the spotlight, I don't like it and never have. I am at peace doing my work and blending it without having attention called to me. I've struggled many times with the attention (it was a tragedy on a horrific scale) which is something that I don't articulate well, often share nor is there a handbook to help me with this.
What I've found to work the best though is to make the negative, horrible experiences into positive ones where I learned something and to try to share that knowledge with others. I learned a lot that day. I didn't realize it at the time and it has taken over a decade to learn and for me to let it sink in but I did. I've learned that everyone remembers that day and where they were. I have learned that everyone wants to share it with me (this is something my husband has helped me to realize). With my personality, I want to shield them from the pain, anguish and devastation I felt (because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy) but I know their thirst for knowledge and my obligation to history and my community trumps it.
So while I usually would rather throw up than stand and speak to a group of strangers recanting the worst day of my life in detail (sometimes graphically when asked) I smile and seek spiritual guidance, courage, and inspiration to share my story. Over the years many people have thanked me and told me what an inspiration I was to them personally which lets me lay my head on the pillow at night and sleep well. While I still haven't found the answer to my own questions about why such evil exists in our world and how anyone can behave that way, I do feel like I'm contributing positively and know that in the end, goodness (the light) triumphs over evil (the darkness).
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