My Faith Is Strongest When I Am Weakest

I recently calculated that the countdown until my 40th birthday.  As of today, there are 82 days.  I was thinking about the drastic physical issues I've dealt with in the last 6 months and hoping that after 2 major abdominal surgeries I will physically be feeling better than I have in years by the time I reach this milestone.  

Recently, while I was contemplating my latest surgery, I recalled one of my favorite bible passages.  I remember hearing the sermon from Pastor Jerls in 1994 in which he discussed this passage.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

King James Version (KJV)

⁹ And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

¹⁰ Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

¹¹ I am become a fool in glorying; ye have compelled me: for I ought to have been commended of you: for in nothing am I behind the very chiefest apostles, though I be nothing.

I recently wondered if it is any type of coincidence that this passage contains verses 9-11?  Of course, it isn't the biblical passage I called upon during my time of weakness on September 11, 2001 (Psalm 23:4 was the one I quietly recited to myself that day) but I can't help but wonder about the irony.

It is true, in the times of my greatest weaknesses, it is at those times that my faith is always the strongest.

The 11th Anniversary

I was just too emotionally drained yesterday to post anything.  Each anniversary is different but every year I usually wish we could just skip September 10-12.  Those 3 days are just exhausting emotionally. It seems that every year brings something a little different and I think because the events of September 11, 2001 were on such a grand scale it always rocks me to my very core.  I feel pain to the depths of my soul that is almost indescribable.

While I know I shouldn't be, I'm amazed at the diverse responses you get from people.  One will say, "you should be over it by now," while another one wants to tell you exactly what they were doing when they heard about September 11.  Usually I am very gracious and patient but occasionally (with my inside voice) I snap and think, "if you only knew."  I guess it is because I'm only human but anyone that knows me well knows that I don't like to show my moments of weakness.  It is hard enough to have them but then to have them publicly takes it to a whole different level.

I have discovered (since I'm not fond of surprises) I can usually brace myself and be somewhat prepared for what lies ahead of me.  It is the 10 pm call from a news reporter on Mother's Day asking your reaction to the capture and death of Osama Bin Laden that throws me off.  With the anniversaries, I know they are coming, I know there is no avoiding it so I've learned how to get through them.  However, those other 'little surprises' really throw me a curve ball.  I think in some way those surprises are reminiscent of that day.  Every step and every turn held a new surprise, one that was literally a matter of life and death.  In some ways it was like being plucked up and dropped into the set of some crazy movie or dream, only with no script or rehearsal - absolutely surreal.

Yesterday, my husband left for a doctor appointment before I did.  We kissed each other good bye and he said, "I'm really glad you didn't sit down" as he walked out the door.  Last night I told him that I was glad I didn't sit down as well but I had desperately wanted to.  I'm glad I didn't strike Rodin's "The Thinker" pose until much later in the morning because I wouldn't be typing this if I'd succumbed to the strong desire to stop and think.

I look back at what a naive young woman I was.  For me, the thought of a terrorist was something from Back To The Future (one of my favorite movies) and most certainly not anything I had to consider or think about.  I think it is much of the naivety that helped keep me safe that day.  If I'd known that I would spend an hour standing in line to die, unable to breath, I would probably not have headed into the stairwell.  If I'd known people were jumping to their death and I would have to dodge the falling bodies while walking through blood and human remains, I wouldn't have gone into the courtyard.  Of course, instead I'd been in the building when it collapsed.  If I'd known there was even a remote chance that either of the buildings would collapse, I wouldn't have lingered to take a photo.  If I'd known the chards of glass be falling like the blades of a guillotine, I wouldn't have gone through the glass doors into the mall.  If I'd known the port authority officer (or whoever she was) at the door into the courtyard was yelling at me for my own safety, I wouldn't have been angry with her.  What I do know is that if I had known most of those things, I am certain I would have made other deadly choices.

I am comforted to know that on some physiological level, I can rely on myself to make good decisions when in a moment of crisis.  It seemed like every time I exited one situation I found myself in another unbelievable one.  As I came out of the stairwell into the lobby, it looked like a bomb had exploded and I had to wade through water to exit.  I saw what I thought was someone burning in the elevator and thought about how I wish I could help them but was certain that if something could have been done the firefighters would have already taken care of it.

I'm glad I didn't turn right and head to my hotel even though I'd spent an hour thinking about going to my room as soon as I got out of the building.  I'm glad that while I had no idea where I was or where I was going they shooed me away from the building (regardless of how frustrated it made me at the time).  I'm glad that when I turned around after snapping a photo and saw the huge chunks of steel pummeling toward me that my brain immediately said, "get down and the street isn't good enough."  I'm glad that there was a subway entrance just a few feet in front of me.  I'm glad that I lingered in the subway long enough for my tower to collapse, unbeknownst to me.  I'm glad the vendor in the subway wouldn't let me use his phone to call home and the pay phone wouldn't work.  I'm glad that God shielded me from the knowledge of what was really happening until I was in a place where I could process it (at the shelter).  Most of all, I'm glad that my cell phone didn't work that day because I was ready and prepared to die except that I hadn't said goodbye to my daughter and family.  In retrospect, I'm glad that I was the young 28 year old naive woman - it helped save my life.

I'm glad that one of my closest childhood friends opened his home to me and provided me with some sense of normalcy and security on the evening of September 11, 2001.  Little did I know that while I was naive in my thinking, he was wise in his.  When he told me goodbye at the train station 11 years ago today, he quoted Andy Warhol and said maybe this was my 15 minutes of fame.  I was so overwhelmed and in shock that I hadn't a clue what he meant at the time.  Both of us were artists, close friends and had shared lots of high school memories together.  I didn't understand how such a horrific experience could possibly be something I would gain fame from.  I didn't really want fame in the first place but if I had to have fame I wanted it to be from my artwork.  Looking back, I understand what he meant but it has taken 11 years to come to terms with it.  I guess Andy Warhol didn't say that your 15 minutes of fame would be for something you wanted it to be for - that wasn't part of the deal.

How did someone that hates politics because of the divisive nature it brings, someone that likes cultural diversity and religious freedom, someone that aches from the destruction of humanity and evil end up in the middle of this mess?  I will never know the answers to all of my whys and what ifs but I know that God knows.  I'm sure I'll spend many more years pondering them but I can take solace in the fact that it really doesn't matter because God knows and in the end, that is really what matters.  I hope that when I stand before him on judgement day he tells me, "I know I didn't give you a road map but job well done."

Heavy Hearted

I've felt really heavy hearted all day today.  It started when I awoke early and couldn't go back to sleep. When I left for work, I kissed my husband and told him goodbye.  A few minutes later, I called him to tell him how much I loved him as I'd remembered telling him goodbye 11 years ago as he left for Columbus, Ohio and I left for New York City.

11 years ago Catie was going to preschool and this morning she was going to high school.  How blessed I am to have had those 11 years.  On this evening in 2001 I remember rushing around the Marriott World Trade Center trying to find a fax machine so I could help my staff back in Overland Park, Ks with the urgent shipment they were working on.  Even technology has changed drastically since then.  Once the fax was taken care of, I stopped by Times Square Gifts and bought a beautiful pink satin tie as a gift and a miniature Statue of Liberty.

Hungry, I finally settled on going into Tall Ships Bar & Grill.  I always hated traveling and eating alone.  Usually I just ordered room service.  I remember pondering the menu as it was quite different than a midwest bar and grill.  Eventually, I settled on a portobello mushroom sandwich (I think it was the NYC version of our hamburger) with tomato on it.  Honestly, I just picked at it.  Because of the vicinity there were lots of things that were reminiscent of the NYSE and executives all around.  I'm sure this midwestern gal looked out of place in her Levi's and Kansas City Chief's jersey.  Earlier in the afternoon (on the plane) the stewardess had accidentally dumped an entire can of Coca-Cola on me but it had long since dried.

The shuttle from the airport into downtown Manhattan was nerve wracking, there were some women headed to one of the cruise ships and they were giddy about their soon to be excursion.  The traffic was typical of NYC and absolutely insane.  I think it took about 2 hours to finally get to the hotel.  By the time my evening was finished I was exhausted.  I made my way to my room which looked out into the courtyard of the World Trade Center - it was a beautiful view at night.  I called home and spoke to my Mom, Catie and also called Brian (he'd made it to Columbus).  I finally crawled into bed and drifted off to sleep.

On the morning of September 11, 2001, I awoke, got dressed for the seminar and left for WTC 1.  I arrived early and checked in at security.  They provided me with my security badge and I swiped it at the turn style so I could get on the express elevators.  I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, I'm so glad they have such good security after the 1993 bombing."  Never in a million years would I have suspected they would choose commercial aircraft as their weapon of choice (and no amount of security could guard against that).  That small plastic card was not going to protect me on this day.

11 years later, I can't believe some of the details I can recall like they happened yesterday.  Yet other things were blocked for some time (and I'm sure there are some things that my brain says are just too much to remember).  The brain is an amazing part of our body.  In the years that have followed many times I've wondered to myself why things happened the way they did.  I've always been a firm believer that things happen for a reason but sometimes figuring out the reason is practically impossible.  I'm a very logical person and have succumbed to the fact that there will be times when I just have to use my  faith and know that while I might not understand the reason, there really is one.

Back to high school

It has been almost 21 years since I graduated from high school and around 7 since I attended the freshman enrollment with Alecia.  Last night I went with Catie and her friend Syrus to Open House at high school and sat through the freshman orientation - I think it has been about 25 years since I had to do that!  I am glad that I wore my sneakers because I was exhausted after 2 hours of walking around the campus.

Catie is nervous but I'm confident she will do just fine.  I can't believe how things have changed in that time span.  Pagers were popular when I was in high school.  I bet they wouldn't even know what a pager was because now they have cell phones and many of them have smart phones.  Later they will each get a laptop assigned to them.  I learned to type on an old fashioned typewriter in typing class.  Again, I suspect that neither of them would have any idea what one was if you showed it to them.

Today is her first day as a freshman in the class of 2016!  Where did the time go?

Another year and another post later...

It is that time of year again, when the bustle and hurried ways begin.  As I was driving home from dropping Catie off at her Dad's it dawned on me that summer was coming to a close and it is the time of year for the chaos to start.  As emotions swirled around and tears rolled down my cheeks, I thought that when I got home I'd do some 'blogging' (something I've planned to do over and over but just never get around to doing for various reasons).  I just now logged in and realized that it has been just a little over a year since I last made an entry on here.  I guess that goes to show that this time of year really impacts me.

As I drove I realized that it is August 19, 2012.  My daughter just turned 15, she's getting ready to take the written test for her driver's (learner's) permit, starting high school and my granddaughter is starting kindergarten this year.  Wow!  Where does the time go?

The thoughts raced through my mind, it is nearly September 11, 2012 and while that is merely a date on a calendar for most people it has had such a profound impact on my life that it is difficult at times to articulate it.  At times I've had that defiant, challenging, rebellious streak in me that says, "no, I'm not going to let this be such a defining moment in my life.  I control me and my life and that isn't the way it is supposed to play out" but in the end, it comes back full circle to reality.  What is that reality?  Well, I guess I summarized it best when someone asked me to describe my experience on September 11, 2001 in 1 sentence (for a grade school class).  My reply was, "On September 11, 2001, I got to experience the beauty and destruction of humanity while witnessing history all in the same day."

You spend your life wondering what it is like when you die, or at least I'd thought about it many times prior to September 11, 2001.  When you are faced with it though, it is different.  There is no more time to think about it and wonder because - BAM - it's in your face and you get to deal with it.  It is about playing the hand that is dealt to you (because you never know what your cards are going to be) and playing it to the best of your ability.

I would have given anything on that September morning for my phone to work.  I longed to call my Mom and asked to speak to my daughter (although she was only 4 at the time) to tell her I loved her one last time.  God had different plans though.  He wasn't going to let me make that phone call because though it's tough to admit at times, he knew better than I did.  He knew that once I made the phone call, I would stop to rest and it would cost me precious seconds and my life.

I remember when I got back to Kansas City and returned to work a co-worker said to me, "God must really have some big plans for you."  Still in a fog I didn't know what to think when she said it because I was horrified by what had occurred.  Looking back 11 years, I believe she was correct.

In the last 11 years I have held my grandmother's head while she took her last breath, nearly lost my stepson (Casey) in a car accident and helped Catie make it through her father's brain tumor surgeries.  I helped my sister plan my brother-in-law's unexpected funeral, watched my husband struggle with his own health issues and become disabled, changed the industry my career was in, and watched my step children (Kevan and Alecia) grow up and leave home.  I've had the opportunity to hold my grandchildren (Nate and Lacey), locate and meet my 'other' half-sister after 30+ years, to experience the love of all of my nieces and nephews, and countless other things.  Most of all, I've got to spend 11 more years with my family and friends on this earth.

On Friday, I found some old family photos from when Catie was much smaller and we looked through them.  I didn't realize that it was upsetting her (or I wouldn't have done it of course) to see the photos because it brought up so many difficult memories.  As she saw photos I'd taken of much happier times when her father was physically able to play with she and Casey the reality set in.  Then when we got to photos of her with her brother and cousins (one of which died unexpectedly on Christmas) more sadness.  As I drove home this evening I realized that God's big plans for me were to help Catelyn get through the last 11 years (and many more to come).

As I drug myself down the stairwell in September I knew that all of my other family and friends would be okay without me.  While they would miss me I had a peace and calm in my heart and soul that everything would eventually be alright for them.  But for Cate, she wouldn't have her Mom to help her grow up.  I knew that she'd be taken care of but it was a different kind of concern and worry.  I knew that she would have a hole in her heart that no one could fix.  Having suffered from severe endometriosis, it was a miracle that she was even here.  I had tried so hard to have a baby and was about to lose what I'd worked so hard to get.  It was that determination and bond that forged me to continue on.

In the beginning it was really difficult for me to identify myself as a 9/11 Survivor.  I really wanted to move on with my life and try to put it behind me.  I wanted no part of being labeled a victim and have always chosen survivor.  As time has passed though, I think I've learned how to embrace it and make the most of it, as difficult as it may be at times.  I am not one to be in the spotlight, I don't like it and never have.  I am at peace doing my work and blending it without having attention called to me.  I've struggled many times with the attention (it was a tragedy on a horrific scale) which is something that I don't articulate well, often share nor is there a handbook to help me with this.

What I've found to work the best though is to make the negative, horrible experiences into positive ones where I learned something and to try to share that knowledge with others.  I learned a lot that day.  I didn't realize it at the time and it has taken over a decade to learn and for me to let it sink in but I did.  I've learned that everyone remembers that day and where they were.  I have learned that everyone wants to share it with me (this is something my husband has helped me to realize).  With my personality, I want to shield them from the pain, anguish and devastation I felt (because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy) but I know their thirst for knowledge and my obligation to history and my community trumps it.

So while I usually would rather throw up than stand and speak to a group of strangers recanting the worst day of my life in detail (sometimes graphically when asked) I smile and seek spiritual guidance, courage, and inspiration to share my story.  Over the years many people have thanked me and told me what an inspiration I was to them personally which lets me lay my head on the pillow at night and sleep well.  While I still haven't found the answer to my own questions about why such evil exists in our world and how anyone can behave that way, I do feel like I'm contributing positively and know that in the end, goodness (the light) triumphs over evil (the darkness).

Happy 4th of July 2011!!!

The Battle of the Thermostat

On a daily basis my family and I disagree over the temperature in the house.  Both Brian and Catie are always cold and I'm always hot.  I don't know if some of it is related to early menopause but if so, I dread to see what is coming down the road.  Sometimes I think about just going to my car to sit so I can enjoy the ice cold air blowing on me.  I'm sure the neighbors would wonder what on earth I was doing but honestly, I don't care.  I could take my knitting, a magazine or a book and just relax in the car.  Of course, the logical part of me knows that isn't a good idea because I'm wasting gas (which has an economic impact, not to mention is costly) but it sure sounds relaxing.